I miss you so much! There are moments in my days where I’m hit with such hurt and regret that I can’t simply pick up the phone and hear your gentle voice. I dream dreams so real they feel almost visceral reliving moments in time and made up moments from some deep part of my psyche trying to deal with the reality that you are no longer a phone call and a short drive away.
Sometimes life is just not fair … It makes me very sad that I can’t share my happiness, sadness and sheer excitement at life with you anymore.
In those moments of sadness I stop and think of you and can’t help smiling because of who you were.
I smile because I imagine the stories you’d be telling your colleagues about me and Jean, bragging about these two amazing kids you raised. You’d be boring them with stories of Jean’s new place and the amazing transformation of your little Cheaky, of the wonderful meals he’s cooking in his kitchen and the lovely home he’s setting up with Shells. You’d be boring them with stories of how excited I am about my new business doing so well and the new projects Vince and I are tackling around the house, you’d be thrilled at the hydroponic system and all the herbs and veggies we’re growing ourselves, you’d be proud of the talks I’ve given and networking I do and most of all you’d talk about how happy and settled I am finally with Vince in my life. You’d giggle on the couch as Keyser sat on top of you and Jessie licked you silly! You’d get impatient with Oumie’s moaning whilst loving having her around at the same time. You’d be simply glowing with pride at how well we’ve done this past year even though we lost our anchor in life.
I’m so glad you raised me the way you did and gave me the freedom to be who I am with no judgement when I was taking the wrong path. You only ever supported me unconditionally. It is why I am a confident, fearless, strong, independent woman today and I’m so grateful you made the choices you did to enable both Jean and I to be who we are today.
I didn’t tell you enough how much I loved and appreciated you! And telling you it was okay to go that night with Jean sitting next to me telling you the same was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I wish there were more moments…
I wish we had more time…
I wish you were still here experiencing these things…
I wish you were here to share these moments with us…
I just miss you.
I will say what I did after you left us that night, simply “Oh mommy”, kiss you on the cheek and hope you feel the love I have for you always.
I can’t believe it’s been a year today! In some ways it feels like just yesterday and in others it feels like a lifetime! Grateful for so many people who have helped my brother, my gran and I over the last year – today we pass another milestone – gone but never forgotten!
Olga Yvonne Edouard-Betsy
24/11/1947 – 26/9/2013